Humorous Quotes

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Humorous quotes

Read these humorous quotes and sayings and have a laugh to brighten up your day.

	“I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person”	-Bill Murray
	“I think everyone should to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they would really be educated. “	-Al McGuire
	“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. “	-Norm Crosby
	“Make no mistake about why these babies are here- They are here to replace us.”	-Jerry Seinfield
	“Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June.”	-Al Bernstein
	“Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break,	– Earl Wilson
	“Spring is nature’s way of saying, Let’s party!”	– Robin Williams
	“The older you get the stronger the wind gets – and it’s always in your face.”	-Pablo Picasso
	“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous”	-Ingrid Bergman
	“If I had my way, I’d remove January from the calendar altogether and have an extra July instead.”	-Roald Dahl
	“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”	-Dave Barry
	“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.”	-Garfield/Jim Davis
	“Paper cut: A tree’s final moment of revenge.”	– Anonymous
	“Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat”	– Ann Landers
	“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.”	-Patricia Briggs
	“The United Sates is the only country with a known birthday.”	-James G. Blaine
	“If a June night could talk, it would probably boast it invented romance.”	-Bern Williams
	“There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.”	-Jerry Seinfeld
	“I owe the government $3,400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.”	-Michael McShane
	“March is a tomboy with tousled hair, a mischievous smile, mud on her shoes and a laugh in her voice.”	-Hal Borland
	“My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan!”	– Leopold Fechtner
	“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”	– Carl Reiner
	“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”	– Steven Wright
	“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”	– Erma Bombeck
	“So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like: “What is this? What did you say?” “What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy?” “Everyone that we know is just giving out candy?”	– Jerry Seinfeld
	“Don’t you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.”	-Nora Ephron
	“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.”	-Bette Reese
	“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”	-James Dent
	“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”	-Rodney Dangerfield
	“The difference between a political campaign speech and an appearance is twenty minutes.”	– Adlai Stevens
	“Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.”	– H.L. Mencken
	“How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?”	– Charles De Gaulle
	“It is a tolerable depiction of a bore that he is one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.”	– Robert Hugh Benson
	“If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles.”	– Benjamin Franklin
	“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm”	– Colette
	“The graveyards are full of women whose houses were so spotless you could eat off the floor.”	– Heloise Cruise
	“I rise from bed the first thing in the morning not because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me during the day.”	– Edgar Wilson Nye
	“There is one thing about baldness – it’s neat.”	– Don Herold
	“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”	– Franklin P. Jones
	“It is hard to imagine a civilization without onions.”	– Julia Child
	“Why can’t life’s problems hit us when we’re 17 and know everything?”	– A.C. Jolly
	“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?”	– Jean Kerr

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Cynthia Lopinto

Cyn LoPinto, M.A. is a gerontologist focusing on significant issues affecting older adults and their families. Her areas of interest include lifestyle enrichment, family dynamics, and caregiver support. Cyn has worked in both the recreational and healthcare industries.