A Parent for Life – Launching Them into Adulthood

Cynthia Lopinto Feature Article Leave a comment 2,459 Views

By CYN LoPINTO
Editor-in-chief, gerontologist

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The parent/child bond remains strong even after our kids become adults.

There isn’t an “off” switch once we become a parent. Even after children enter adulthood, parents still feel protective and worry about their well-being. It is a constant dance between giving them the space they need and wanting to provide comfort when things start to get tough. Child development specialist Betsy Brown Braun perfectly captured this connection when she wrote, “You are only as happy as your least happy child.” This continues to be the case even with adult children.

One of the most difficult times for parents is during the empty nest years. There is a void deep inside and the roles in the family become confusing. How much do we make ourselves available and when is it better to step back? Mirroring the way parenting worked when the kids were little, the best advice may simply be to go with our gut. Sometimes coming up with a solution the moment a situation presents itself may work out much better than any planned strategy. We know our sons and daughters and what makes them tick. We are familiar with their individual struggles and any triggers which may cause them anxiety. What may work for one parent/child relationship doesn’t necessarily serve another. If we make it a point to be still and listen to that intuitive voice inside, we will guide ourselves.

We need to provide lots of love and support during this difficult transitional period.

One of the hardest tasks for a parent of an adult child is to watch them make the mistakes they need to make in order to grow and become a functioning adult. Since we have been though a lot of the same things they are facing, we want to protect them. Why watch them suffer when we have the knowledge and hands-on experience to help? Unfortunately most growth comes out of some degree of suffering. Sometimes the only way a child learns not to touch a hot stove is to get burned. It is the same for young adults. They have to go through breakups, lose jobs, flunk classes and learn the hard way that beer and tequila shots don’t really mix. We can be there for them and offer support, but we can’t shelter them from situations they need to experience.

While we may realize all this intellectually, this is not an easy period for parents. It is the ‘limbo” stage of child rearing. College kids may come home for breaks and summer vacation but what are the rules? How much control do we have as parents, and – perhaps an even better question is – how much control should we have? The lines become so blurred. The whole family unit has to adjust and get used to a new normal. Communication takes on extra importance during this time. Everyone is just trying to find their place.

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Cynthia Lopinto

Cyn LoPinto, M.A. is a gerontologist focusing on significant issues affecting older adults and their families. Her areas of interest include lifestyle enrichment, family dynamics, and caregiver support. Cyn has worked in both the recreational and healthcare industries.